What Am I Supposed To Call My Mother-In-Law?

There is a dilemma that I faced when I got married: "What am I supposed to call my mother-in-law?"

I met "him", and then married him. Once I did that, the deal was sealed. There was no way to get around it. My man is sweet, attractive, sexy, and charming, but when I got involved with him, I never thought about the fact that he would have baggage.

Some men have less baggage than others, but all of them carry some sort of load. My husband’s biggest load is his mother, (otherwise known as my new mother-in-law).

This is probably not unusual, and I’m sure he doesn’t even realize that she’s all over him like white on rice. So much of what he is goes back to her: the way he takes care of himself, his attitudes, his prejudices, etc.

When I married him, I didn’t realize I was also marrying her. Now it’s time to pay the piper.

She hates me. I know she does. Deep down she doesn’t think any woman is good enough for her son, let alone me. She certainly doesn’t like the thought of my having sex with him. I’ll never be pretty enough, smart enough or rich enough to please her, and if I say anything to him about this, he’ll think I’m trying to cause problems. He may even side with her, which would really tick me off!

Nonetheless, the wedding is over, and now I have to face the music. This woman, whom I clearly do not like, let alone love, is going to be with me for the rest of my life (or at least the rest of the time I’m married to her son). What am I supposed to call her?

I can’t call her “mom” because she’s not my mother, nor do I want her to be. I can’t call her “Hazel” (or whatever her first name is), because that would indicate we’re on an even level, and she clearly thinks she’s better than me. I’ve thought about “hey you” or “female dog”, but I don’t think those will go over too well. “Mrs. Jones” is too formal; “girlfriend” is too personal. This is really a problem!

This woman will be in my house checking to see if I dusted the mantle, sniffing the food I put on the table and commenting whenever she thinks I’ve gained a little weight. She’ll insist that I use her recipes to cook for her son and will force me to eat every holiday meal at her house (she doesn’t think I know how to prepare one).

It’s disgusting and unfair, but I think I’ve come up with an answer. I won’t call her anything. This will be a little hard to manage, but I know I can always introduce her as my husband’s mother or my child‘s (if I have one) grandmother. If I watch my step, I can keep myself from having to verbally get her attention. When I call her house, I can ask to speak to “your wife” or “the lady of the house". Yep, I think I’ve got the bases covered.

Now that I know what to call (or not call) my mother-in-law, I can relax.

The phone just rang and my brother answered it. He told me it was some woman who wanted to know if “the woman of the house” was available. I wonder who it could be.